US Season One Episode Guide (originally published in BHFH #1 24/08/97)

In this exclusive document, leaked to us by the bloke who stuck the jelly babies into McGann's jacket, we take a frightening look at the planned first season of American doctor Who. With the new executive producers, Glen A. Larson and Stephen J. Cannel on board, fans should be prepared for a few shocks.

1. FOREVER YOUNG
In a freak accident, the Doctor and Grace are turned into twelve year olds and must battle wits with this week's special guest Master, Barry Letts.

2. THE BUCKFAST FACTOR
A strange anomaly causes the TARDIS crew to lose all their inhibitions,the Doctor and Grace declare their true feelings for one another and we get a tantalising glimpse of the TARDIS' master bedroom.

3. MATHEMATICAL EXCREMENT
In this story featuring a group of cute, young, child thieves, the popular character of Adric is brought back, after being thrown into a chronospatial anomaly by the explosion of the freighter in Earthshock. He will, of course, be joining the TARDIS crew as a regular.

4. DOWN AND SAFE IN BEVERLEY HILLS
In this we have our first in what we hope will be many invasions of Earth, with the terrifying Cybermen given a startling, chromed and shiny look, with a red light that moves back and forth along their forehead. In this story they invade Los Angeles. Looks like Vancouver though...

5. I DRANK WHAT?
After hitting a temporal anomaly, something goes wrong as the TARDIS materialises. The Doc and Grace wake up to find a whole day is missing! Where did the traffic cone come from? Where is Adric? why are there several used condoms around the console room?

6. A RACE AGAINST TIME
Alan Rickman guest stars as the Master, with Jon Lovitz as his comedy sidekick in this exciting adventure set entirely within the TARDIS. When the Master and his evil henchmen takeover the TARDIS, the Doctor must battle against the odds, fighting evil-doers, defusing bombs and cracking snappy one liners, in this story that's nothing like Die Hard, ST:TNG's Starship Mine or that episode of Seaquest DSV at all, oh no...

7. THE REVENGE OF SOLDEED
Graham Crowden reprises his greatest role as the Skonnon scientist in this rip-roaring adventure. Thrill as he wields his weird pointy stick thing! Scream as he tries to get off with Grace! cheer as he kills Adric! With the death of a regular character, viewers will realise no-one is safe and this will add tension to each and every one of the following stories.

8. REGURGITATION OF THE DALEKS
Yes, finally, the return of the Daleks, as they invade Washington D.C. (not Vancouver, honest...) Thrill to the Daleks blowing up the White House! Faint as they climb the steps of the Lincoln Memorial! Pull out voodoo dolls of the producers as the Daleks morph into slake-like-terminatory-type things.

9. HITLER'S OTHER BALL
The Doctor and Grace land in an alternative time-line, one where Adolf Hitler retained both his balls, there is no Albert Hall and the Nazis won WWII. The Doctor realises this cannot be allowed and repairs history so that he can attend Orbital's 1996 Albert Hall performance. Special guest star - Michael Sheard as Hitler!

10. KOMPALEATI BALLUXI
T
his marks the show's first crossover. Co-written by Chris Carter, this story features Mulder and Scully from the X-Files and reveals that Mulder's sister was kidnapped by the Master! This week's special guest Master is played by Gordon Tipple.

11. CON-MUNION
In order to correct a massive quantum-phasic schism in the space-time continuum, the Doctor must kidnap Whitley streiber and make him think he's been abducted my small, cute, grey aliens who perform unspeakable experiments upon his person with a battery and crocodile clips.

12. MAKE MINE A DOUBLE
Upon encountering a strange anomaly, the doctor initiates an emergency materialisation. However, two TARDISes appear, each with a Doctor and Grace on board, one in Totter's Lane, the other on Barnes Common. On;y one can survive! Meanwhile, this week's special guest Master, John Virgo, tries to destroy them both.

13. THE SONIC SCREWDRIVER THEORY
November 22nd, 1963. A tall figure wearing a floppy hat and long scarf is on a grassy knoll in Dallas. In the same city, a man with a garish multi-coloured coat is returning a book to the Texas book depository. A young man in a cricketing outfit is hiding in the trunk of the President's car. The car is being driven by a man with a cloak and lots of velvet, whilst another small man plays the recorder beside a man with a film camera named Zapruder. A white-haired old gentleman is shooing a young woman into a police box, muttering something about setting the video for 5.15pm tomorrow night. A small man who usually wears a questionmark pullover is currently disguised as JFK, while a young woman from Perivale is pretending to be Jackie! Can the Doctor and Grace figure out just what the hell is going on? And can this episodes special guest Master - Eddie Izzard, stop Oliver Stone from making a movie about it?

14. MISSION:IMPROBABLE
In order to keep history on track, the Doc spends a day recording tapes and leaving them in special locations to be found by a Mr. Briggs and a Mr. Phelps at the right time to fix terrible discontinuities in the continuity of the universe. Meanwhile, Jean reno, this week's special guest Master, attempts to stop him.

15. MIGHT MORPHIN' POWER AUTONS
The shape-changing Autons invade Detroit (which looks absolutely nothing like Vancouver as long as you don't look too closely) whilst masquerading as the most popular toy range in the country!

16. CYBEROTAKUNINJATECHNOBOLLOCKS CUTAWAY
A dark, cyberpunky episode with cyberspace, killer cyborgs, drugs, ninjas, evil corporations and a five second appearance by the Doctor. Written by Cartmel and Aaronovitch.

17. TWINS OF EVIL
When the TARDIS materialisation goes wrong, the TARDIS merges with a peculiar anomaly, which splits the Doctor and Grace into two, one pair good, ne pair evil. This episode will show the characters' internal struggles literally, as well as cutting down the cost of actors and providing a few cheap laughs.

18. DOCTOR WHO'S BOGUS ADVENTURE
In the second of our crossovers, the Doctor and Grace team up with Bill and Ted to stop the evil Rani from disrupting history. In a series of comic adventures and mishaps, Bill and Ted are eventually sent to Gallifrey to study at the Academy. We felt we needed a great British actress to play the part of the Rani, so we chose the most popular and well-known British actress on USTV today, Jane Leeves.

19. THE ONE WITH THE NIMONS
The most terrifying monsters ever to appear in Who, the Nimon, invade Vancouver, no New York, it may look like Vancouver, but it's not, it's New York, right?!?! The Doctor and Grace join with our very special guest stars - the cast of Friends, to defend the besieged Central Perk. With judicious use of coffee, wit, sarcasm and a monkey, the evil Nimon are defeated once and for all.

20. MEMORIES
Because this episode's budget was used to hire the cast of Friends for the previous episode, this episode will consist of the Doctor and Grace reminiscing over their adventures so far over a cup of tea.

21. CONVENTION BOUND
The fluid link conks out while the TARDIS is travelling through a bizarre transmoronic anomaly. The TARDIS materialises in an alternate universe and the Doctor and Grace are trapped in the Hotel Leofric on the eve of Panopticon 96. Can the Doctor and Grace find enough mercury to escape before hundreds of fans descend upon them?

22. TWIN OF EVIL
The Doctor's evil twin brother turns up, played by Paul McGann with a sinister goatee. He has an experimental TARDIS that is not only better than the Doctor's but has an oscillating red light on it's front. The Doctor is challenged to a TARDIS dogfight, but can he defeat the living example of all that he stands against?

23. I AND WITHNAIL
In order to prevent a catastrophic alteration of history, the Doctor must disguise himself as an out-of-work actor, in order to make sure Peter Withnail goes on holiday by mistake. This is not, repeat not another example of the budget running out and us having to purchase stock footage, honest. With special guest Master - Richard Griffiths.

24. CLIFFHANGER
Whilst a disguised Doctor runs around a prison colony covered in muck, nasty things are afoot. The Doctor's father (Tom Baker) had had both his lawnmower stolen and his gravestone defaced. He calls upon his wayward son to help. The amazing cliffhanger has Grace telling the doctor that she's pregnant, as Adric is revealed to be the new Cyberleader!

To be continued...

Stay Tuned!