CREATE YOUR OWN VOYAGER EPISODE!

Yes, now you too can while away the time between seasons by creating your very own episode of your favourite travelling-through-uncharted-space-trying-to-find-home SF TV series. (No, I don’t mean Space:1999, or Lost In Space. At least they were funny...)

(Except for viewers in Scotland who will receive their own regional programmes. In Gaelic.)

1 - Voyager encounters...
a) A spatial anomaly.
b) Abraham Lincoln in a comfy chair.
c) A wormhole, which is either too small, unstable or stupid for Voyager to go through.
d) An orange swirly thing in space.
e) A transmoronic engram.

2 - Janeway...
a) Puts her hands on her hips.
b) Talks to them sternly in a voice that has grown men wetting themselves in fear.
c) Threatens them, using the aforementioned scary, forty-a-day voice.
d) Snogs them.
e) All of the above.

3 - However...
a) Tuvok has been caught by the Klingons.
b) Harry has died.
c) Peter Falk has walked onto the bridge with a copyright infringement writ for Janeway.
d) The entire male bridge crew are distracted by Seven's arse as she walks past.
e) No-one else has contributed so I'm writing this rubbish to fill a couple of pages.

4 - Suddenly...
a) Aliens with bumpy foreheads appear.
b) A duplicate of Voyager appears.
c) A distress-call is received from a mild mannered, but ultimately psychopathic nutter.
d) Richard Bacon appears, flying through space without the aid of a spacecraft.
e) The ghost of Gene Roddenberry appears. Spinning quickly.

5 - Janeway...
a) Puts her hands on her hips.
b) Quickly hides her packet of cigarettes under her wig.
c) Leaves to do theatre in New York.
d) Turns to Chakotay and tells him to cheer the f##k up or she'll bop him one.
e) Doesn't leave, it was all a vile rumour spread on the internet by an anorak in Frome.

6 - But...
a) Paris is trying to get his end away with one of them.
b) The Doctor is complaining about something.
c) Harry has died...again.
d) The aliens mistake Tuvok for a plank of wood.
e) Torres is trying to [TECH] the [TECH] so they can [TECH]

7 - Then Paris...
a) Shags this weeks exotic female alien guest star.
b) Shags Torres.
c) Shags Janeway
d) Shags Seven Of Nine.
e) Shags Harry.

8 - The real enemy is revealed to be...
a) Chakotay's arse.
b) Brannon Braga.
c) Rick Berman.
d) Fred Freiburger.
e) Me for writing this drivel at two o' clock in the morning.

9 - The ship is saved by...
a) Seven Of Nine developing a new piece of hardware called the emphatic dipstick.
b) Paris using his unique skills. Then he gets out of bed and flies the ship out of danger.
c) Torres [TECH]ing the [TECH][TECH] so they can get the [TECH] out of there.
d) Janeway playing Hounds Of Love backwards to get the hidden Kinda dialogue.
e) The Brannon Braga MacGuffin-O-Tron (tm).

10 - The episode ends with...
a) A moral hammered in like a red-hot steel nail into warm butter.
b) Neelix cracking a stupid joke which everyone is contracted to laugh at.
c) Chakotay's arse.
d) Torres kicking Paris in the proverbial Klingons.
e) Seven's jumpsuit falling off.